Doris Tan

Our Greatest and Loving Dad’s 49th Day

Doris Tan — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 19:41:36 +0000

18^th January 2008 (Friday) marked the 49^th day of my dearest Dad’s passing. Forty-nine days. It’s been REALLY hard for me, I’m trying to move on, but it just doesn’t seem to get any easier.

We had two prayer sessions for him yesterday. One prayer was done at my parents’ home and one at Buddhist Society. I believe all the prayers and chanting will see my dearest Dad through his new and peaceful path. Time flies!!I can’t believe it has already been 49 days since my loving Dad left this world. I can’t believe I last spoke to my Dad in the hospital, since I last heard his very weak voice, since I last dined with him… since I last walked with him. I can still remember, very clearly, the phone call from my endearing brother Roland, the sight of my Dad on the hospital bed, the words spoken to me by the doctors, the chill of my Dad’s feet when I last touched and massaged him. I can remember vividly, how he struggled through the sedation, the tubes, the blood transfusion and the ventilator. I still remember vividly, his intense desire to go home. His hand gesture spoke louder than words. I recalled his strong will to live despite his critically ill condition. This is my loving Dad; he has an extraordinary fighting spirit no matter how rough things can be.

I recalled the pain and the sorrow that engulfed me when he was cremated on 5 Dec 2007… everything is so clear in my head. And I reckon I will never be able to erase any of them. My dad is so great and all the good memories of him keep flooding back. My thoughts are all over the place right now, so many memories, so many words unspoken, and some things undone. But of all things, I remember most was my Dad’s STRONG love for all his children and his family. I must thank my dearest Dad from the bottom of my heart providing us a very good education. I must thank my Dad for showing us what love is; my Dad had been a very loving husband to my dearest Mum for more than 60 years. I also must thank my Dad for showing us what it is to live life with vigour.He was a man who loved life. He collected miniature arts, coins and stamps. He loved music; he loved dancing; he loved traveling. He loved gardening; he planted several mini trees in his balcony. He loved animals. He liked dogs, cats, birds and fish. Even when he was struggling to feed 10 mouths during our early childhood days, he still reared several dogs and birds. One month before my Dad passed on, he was changing the filtered water in the fish- tanks so that his favourite fishes can swim happily in a clean environment. He was seen feeding the birds in the afternoon. Ah, my dearest Dad you have taught us to love and respect the animals too!

I am sure that with all great Rinpoches and Geshelas prayers - my Dad will receive a Precious Human Rebirth and be guided by the Three Jewels and Perfect Mahayana Gurus in all his future lives. We had pray so hard the past 49 days and it is now the time to let him go. We strongly believe my Dad has gone to another peaceful and pure land of Amitabha – always blessed by the Great Buddhas, Dharma and Sanghas. Dearest Papa (Dad) and Gong Gong (Granddad), we know you love us all very, very much. Goodbye and we wish you a blissful journey, always blessed, protected and guided by the Three Jewels (the Great Buddha, Dharma and Sangha). We love you, Daddy. We love you very, very much. We love you forever and ever.

In Loving Memory of Our Greatest Daddy

Doris Tan — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:03:00 +0000

Yesterday was my dearest Dad 2^nd 7^th day. Dearest Dad, I can’t believe you are gone; it’s been two weeks already and I still wake up and starts crying knowing your not going to be with us. I don’t know how to talk to Mom, she’s so sad. My brother TC is taking good care of her. Also, my beloved nephew Edmund tried to keep her mind off things and have brought her to the hairdresser. Somehow, all these efforts won’t make my Mum smile. I want to say the perfect things to her to make her feel somewhat better but I think it won’t help so I don’t say anything at all.

Dearest Dad, I took your blessed mala the day you left us. I checked with my Buddhist Dharma friend and he advised that we let you had the blessed bracelet, blessed by His Holiness Dalai Lama and I shall keep one of your blessed items for fond memories… I carry it all the time, even when we went to the Animal Liberation last Sunday to pray for your good and higher rebirth.

Dearest Dad, I hope you like heaven and the blessed pure land of

Amithabha. Say hi to 2 my grandmas too. It’s strange I dreamt of paternal grandma last night. Is she with you at this moment? Dearest Dad, I know you’re watching after us; I can feel the love and warmth of you being around and I wish you can appear in front of me or come into my dreams. I know I was pretty vocal and stubborn person but you brought me up in a normal, healthy and happy way. I remember how proud you were when I came in first in class during my secondary school days. I remembered how well-loved I was being chauffeured by my dearest Dad from school every evening. Back then, you were driving a motor-bike and I really loved to hug you tight when your bike zoomed and drifted through every passing cars. I recalled my right ankle was burned by the carburetor. And how anxious and sad you were. Dearest Dad, I still had the burnt mark, to remember your strong love for me. “Dearest Dad, I really miss you. I love you. I know that we had a good relationship, and I know that how much you love all your children. I just wish that we can hear your voice one more time. Would you talk to me in my dream?” Dearest Dad, I want you to know that you are the best Dad anyone can have. You were always there for me. I write this blog through tears of pain and sorrow, but also through tears of love and hope. I will always love you Dearest Dad, and that love will keep you alive in my heart. Your loving girl, Doris DEAREST DAD, WE MISS YOU VERY MUCH. You will be in our hearts, our prayers, and our thoughts forever and ever. With much love, all your children. May you be blessed by the 3 Jewels, the Great Buddhas, Dharmas and Sanghas and have a greater rebirth in the pure land of Amitabha.

I wish I have done more for my dearest Daddy

Doris Tan — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 12:33:56 +0000

Great Wall of China - with my dearest Mum and Dad .. during one of our trips to Beijing.

I wish I have done more for my dearest Dad. I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. If I had known sooner that my dearest Dad was leaving us so soon, I could have done something about it, I could have got him into the hospital earlier. I could have paid more attention to his daily needs. I don’t think anyone has to feel too sad or guilty as we will meet our dearest Dad again in the next life, even though we miss him very much now.

It’s so ridiculous to wish my Dad back becoz it will never happen. I would do anything just for another second with him. I wish he could dine with us one more time. I wish we could have one more argument together. I wish I could share one more hug or one more pat with him…… the way he used to say goodbye to me when we were home for the weekend. Dearest Dad, I wish I could hear your voice, touch your face, rub your shoulders and tickle your skinny bones. Most of all, I wish that I could say I love you, dearest Dad, I miss you so much, everyone does. Lots of love, Doris (your youngest daughter).

7th Day since my dearest Dad died

Doris Tan — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 07:59:00 +0000

It had been 7^th day since my dearest Dad died. I am still sobbing in silence as our dearest Dad had been my source of inspiration. Despite his advanced age and health condition, he was always on the go, driving himself to constantly learning, creating and giving. No one can imagine a 79-year old man being very savvy in electronic gadgets and stuffs. He was very motivated to learn new things surrounding him. My family and I are trying to move on as best as we can. But today, I had heartache as I missed his loving ways again. I missed his gentle touch, his soft-spoken voice. Usually he gave us a gentle wave from the balcony whenever we took off from his home. Now, I can only remember all the things that he was - great, loving and gentle.Quite frankly, I never thought that I would have to do this. I thought that my dearest Dad will always be with us. He gave us so much - love, joy, happiness and very good education.Dearest Dad, how could we ever sit down and eat again when you are no longer with us?How could we sleep in the night when you are no longer there watching out for us?How could we go on without you? Life would never be the same again.

The moment you left us, you took with you our hearts….

Dad, I know that you are watching us all the time. We will continue to pray and chant for you to create positive energy for you meet the Great Buddhas, Dharmas, Sanghas and be reborn in the immaculate realm of Amitabha Buddhas pure land.Someone told me that seven days after a person’s cremation, he will be transcended to the next stage of reincarnation. Dearest Daddy, have a peaceful journey with the 3 Gems. Lol.

Good bye, our dearest Daddy

Doris Tan — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 16:25:00 +0000

My dearest Dad passed away on 1^st December 07 …. after 2 weeks in the hospital. Throughout his 2 weeks stay in the hospital, my dearest Dad wanted to go home very badly. It pains us very much seeing him breathing so hard with the aid of an oxygen mask. But the doctors refused to release my dad as they considered it as “drowning” him. They said most oxygen masks would not be able to last throughout his journey home. Until today, I am very skeptical about what the doctors said. I am sure that are other advanced medical devices that can help my Dad breath longer in an ambulance, just that one has to carry the ventilator and oxygen tank along. Anyway, it is no point bugging this issue now not that my dearest Dad is gone. More importantly, we must continue to pray for his higher rebirth the next 49 days. I trust the Great Buddhas are with him and he will be free from any sufferings from now on. I was with my dearest Dad even until his very last breath. Besides having pneumonia from 15 November 07 to 1^st Dec 07, my Dad developed complications during his 2^nd week in the hospital. The doctors found him bleeding in his upper gastrointestinal tract. Also, his BP dropped and he had slight fever. He was getting weaker and thinner due to the amount of blood loss.

One evening, I recorded his oxygen level and heart beat. It reads oxygen 98, Bpm 88-01. He was doing fine, but due to his age, fever and complications, he deteriorated in the last few days of his final journey. It was very, very painful to watch my beloved Dad – from a very driven and very enthusiastic man reduced to such frailty, struggling with his breathing and reduced oxygen. Although he was lying in the hospital bed for 2 weeks but his conscious mind was very strong. He was very, very attached to the family, his loved ones and his varied personal interests. I saw him tearing for a few days and on that morning before he left this world, he gripped both my Mummy’s palm and mine too. I thought I have vast medical knowledge as I worked in one of the world’s top-class, leading and most reputable medical hospital. But I was stuck in limbo when the doctors told us to be mentally prepared. We have great faith that he will recovered as he had lots of fighting spirit throughout his life. Be it on his family, love and personal interests. All this while I thought pneumonia is easily treatable. I did not know that my beloved Dad’s condition was so serious and fatal. Part of the reason was my beloved Dad’s immune system was impaired due to his previous medical condition. It is timely for me to express my strong love and respect to my dearest Dad in this blog. My Dad enjoyed his cup of kopi O and Marlboro. He loves singing, music, photography and had a knack of fixing every thing in the house. We used to call him the “The Perfectionist Handy Man”. By constantly learning, creating and giving, he lives an interesting and fulfilling life, oblivious of his advanced age and health condition.

I also see another side of my beloved Dad from his lively creativity. He loves to deal with artistic creation, like folding very nice lanterns and origami (paper cuttings) during Chinese New Years. His gratitude and sense of responsibility toward his life, family and loves ones make clear where his values are. My dearest Dad is a man of few words. He endured many sleepless and breathless nights. Not only was he unable to sleep, but he could not even breath properly, esp. in the late evening…. but he had never ever complain a word to any of his children. I felt bad when doctors said my dearest Dad was very very sick. It never crosses my mind that he needs our very special attention, and care. We were all so caught up in the rat race that we took our dearest Dad for granted. My dearest Dad was cremated yesterday. So many people whose lives he touched……. came to say thank you and good bye. We know our lives won’t be the same without our dearest Daddy…. He was such a loving, and driven man. He slogged for his children and his family. Without our dearest Dad, we won’t be what we are today. My dearest Dad’s departure reinforces a deep understanding of the impermanence of life. I read several Buddhas’s books on life is impermanence but I do not truly understand the Buddha’s teaching. In fact the aim of the Buddha’s teachings is to free us from attachments and limited views so that we may become pure in mind and live happily and spontaneously. In order for Buddha’s teachings to penetrate our lives and minds and, ultimately bring about a spiritual rejuvenescence, we need to adopt some Buddhist practices on a daily basis. Prior to adopting any Buddhist practice, one needs to be reminded of the fact that life is impermanence. Having impermanence in mind helps us become free from worries and more appreciative of what we all have in common. We also realize that life is so fragile and impermanent, and then we can appreciate others’ help much more. Besides, we will realize at once that all those small fights were nonsense. Yup, life is so fragile. A week ago (on 8^th November 07) we had dinner @ Delifrance with my Mum and Dad. Two weeks later - my Dad was gone. I feel the void in me but as I slowly accept the Buddhas’s teachings that life is impermanence, I will slowly detach and let go. It is hard but I should be happy for dearest Dad as he is in a much better place and in good hands of all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. Good bye, our dearest and greatest Daddy. We love you forever and ever. Rest in peace.

Subaru Challenge 2007

Doris Tan — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 22:00:30 +0000

We were at the Subaru Challenge last Saturday to support our dearest Augustine. The weather was scorching hot on that day, but the mood was very lively and happy. As usual, Saturday afternoon in Orchard road, the crowd was horrendous streaming all over Ngee Ann City.

But we were there for a special reason…. to cheer and support our dearest nephew Augustine Tan !! For a moment, I thought it was crazy to stand in the hot baking sun with no food, no drinks for 6 hours!! But when I watched our dearest Augustine standing there with 39 other guys surrounding a car, I was emotional. I was thrilled, I was excited. I cried. I could barely contain my emotion that I was jumping with full of excitement. Perhaps he is such a special person – special in that sense that he has the grit, endurance and determination to win the car for his beloved Daddy. And two days before the contest, his Daddy was down with high fever and flu. Can you imagine Augustine’s anxiety? He is typically not someone who expresses his feeling but deep down he very much wants to win the car for his Daddy. He was disturbed but he forged ahead. I am impressed with his cool charisma despite all the mixed feelings going through his mind. Congratulations Augustine for clocking almost 25 hours !! Considering you slept barely two hours… the night before the Subaru contest… you made it !! GREAT JOB !! You have done well !!! I am impressed as he stepped out to challenge himself (mind you, he is still a teen), and that first step and determination ….made him a true champion !!!

It is a very tough game. The nasty weather made the game even harder. One day it was freaking hot, and another it was heavy thunderstorm. Global climate change?? The female contestants must be freezing cold standing in the rain for more than 3 hours. They were completely drenched as no poncho was provided. Quite frankly I salute all the contestants still in the running… without sleep for three days and three nights. I would die of exhaustion even for one hour !! For those still hang in there, I wish you folks good luck. My gut feeling …. more female contestants were outlasted the male contestants as I witnessed the way they “chiong” their ways, the moment the bell rang for their 5-minute break. There were super fast - toilet-eat-drink within 5 minutes. I am impressed with their stamina and energy. I was amazed by all their endurance to hold their bladders for six long hours. Wonder any urologists on-site? They won’t encouraged such self-control that affect the urinary tract and bladder.. It is 6.00 am. In the next few hours a new champ will be born. Would he or she break the record set by Alex Koh in 2006 ? He stood there for a grueling 73 hours 56 minutes.. Let’s wait and see. Strange, I can’t seem to find any motivation to blog these days. But with Augustine’s Subaru Challenge I am excited to write an entry. Thanks, our dear sunshine, you set me into action. This is my 1^st blog for November. Claps ! Claps! Claps!

Lust, Caution Movie

Doris Tan — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 12:13:44 +0000

Lee Ang’s Lust, Caution - A simple girl with an extraordinary mission. Tang Wei as the student that will have a hand in trying to assassinate the intelligence chief of a Japanese-backed Chinese government.

I saw this movie last weekend. I was blown away, leaving the theatre feeling like I had just seen a masterpiece by a true master. Director Lee Ang did a great job (again)! Every shot, every moment, every glance and line spoke, the soundtrack, the pacing - all perfection! I was busy reading the subtitles; hence I missed out some of the visuals and details. Also, it is a pretty draggy film, it seems much longer than 148 minutes but the final and fateful moment is something out of the ordinary plot. It brings out the emotion, desire and attachment of a young and simple girl that caused the fiasco mission of the whole team.

The final and fateful moment when Mr. Yee bought for Wong a 6-carat diamond ring and lovingly places it on her finger. Moved by his tender gesture, and aware that her co-conspirators are converging on the jewelry shop to assassinate him, she looks deeply into his eyes and tells him to “go now.” Grasping immediately the urgency of her warning, Mr. Yee bolts out of the jewelry shop into his waiting car and orders his chauffeur to speed away. By her impetuous action, Wong has sealed her own doom, though she does not fully realize it in the warm glow of the moment. As always, Tony Leung’s performance as Mr. Yee… is incredibly good. Tang Wei in the dual roles of Wong Chia-Chi and Mak Tai Tai is commendable as a new star. I find this movie intrigue, an espionage thriller set in World War II-era in Shanghai in 1942. During which time much of China and

Shanghai were occupied by the Japanese, World War II. Rating: 4.5 Stars.

I’m Not A Plastic Bag

Doris Tan — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 17:19:39 +0000

I am pretty surprised that when Anya Hindmarch launched the environmental-friendly shopping bag “I’m Not A Plastic Bag”, it was snapped up the moment it was launched. I’m Not A Plastic Bag came about because she wanted to use her influence in a positive way to make it fashionable not to use plastic bags. The bag is a stylish, practical reusable alternative that Anya Hindmarch hoped would raise awareness of the issue of wasted packaging. It is heart-warming to know that so many people are supportive of this cause, but I can’t help but wonder if fashion statement is part of the great enthusiasm and popularity of this bag (see picture). I read somewhere that Anya Hindmarch is not making this bag anymore but many people are dying to get their hands on this fashionable bag. Even in

Bangkok, tourists are scrambling to buy the faked ones. I’m Not A Plastic Bag is a reusable bag that can be used for shopping, for gym, for outing, and for school.Great Job Anya Hindmarch !! This trend triggers my thought that we should use and bring our own bag. We should try to do our part for the environment by bringing our own bag for our shopping trips. It takes only a little effort, but help to conserve resources in our daily life. Even though plastic bags do not pose a threat to our environment, it is still wasteful to use plastic bags excessively.

TGIF

Doris Tan — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 16:18:01 +0000

Finally Friday! It’s a lady’s night out for me and my special girlfriend, Stefanie. All we want is a good chat and a couple of ice-creams and latte. Thing is, everyone is so engrossed in our conversation, that the only thing they notice about me is “Doris, there’s something different about you tonight….. I really love your hair!”. At least my curls are being noticed!

Each time we meet we seem to share our daily life and experience, and we sometimes grudge ourselves. But in the end, we make the most out of every day and be the person we are. We say again and again, if life’s a journal, we want the ride to be fun, happy, and meaningful.

Here is our pictures at Greenroom located at Bishan Park II. Enjoy!

Hey, the park itself is very beautiful. I really love the peace and quiet.Also its lush greenery makes me feel so refreshing and tranquil the moment I set foot on the park. You know I am always on the go… very hectic life, and with this kind of environment it makes me feel as if I am in an oasis of quiet calm. I must go there again to capture the greenery and nature surrounding the park. I would like to try the SPA too. Wonder if Jazreel or Julian can give us a discount for promoting their organic restaurant and SPA.

Hmm. I’m still missing the home-made chocolate cake …….wish we had more time to savor the organic fruit ice-cream too. Next round, Stef,

31 + 2 days

Doris Tan — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 16:03:55 +0000

31 plus 2 days days Yeah, that’s long it has been since I last blogged. Needless to say, this gap has been due to a mix of initially nothingness, then laziness and now busy-ness. So, a short recap of what happened. Here it goes.My days at home with my loved ones were awesome. as I mentioned before, it just feels good to hang out with people whom you love and care, and get to accompany them to the doctors and to share. Some interesting, some not so - but definitely worth sharing. What else happen? I must have forgotten through the enjoyment I had. I did a lot of shopping. I bought my 3rd pair of skinny jeans at the newly-opened Dorothy Perkins at

Great

World

City; I also bought a blazer at Marks & Spencer,

Wheelock Place.

My hubby and I made a trip to

Bangkok to visit our Thai friends. This city is always buzzing, fun and exciting. We had lots of home-cooked feasting and my waistline expanded over night. We stayed at Pathumwan Princess which is very close by to MBK shopping Centre, just opposite

Siam Square and WTC. Lots of shopping and nice Thai food. Thais are very creative people and I truly loved the way they presented their sweet desserts, very skillfully prepared and well-presented. I always take a pause before I first bite and pause again before I popped in another ones, so that you can savour and appreciate them as fully as they deserve to be. I love their ice blended red rubies too. Yum. Yum.

Besides, the Thai desserts, the Thai crunchy fish koropok is my another hot favorite. Hmm. It is so crunchy and tastes so good; I wish that some resourceful souls can import them into Singapore. During our earlier trip to Bangkok this year, we stayed @ Amari Watergate Hotel. It is a 5-star property, good location as it is close to Pratunam market, well known for its street markets, bazaar and local vendors. However, I find the hotel a little eerie when we had our business discussion at the lobby one evening. I had a frightful experience in the toilet (located in the far end corner of the lobby). The toilets were very clean and nice but a black shadow appeared when I was washing my hands. The “black” shadow just appeared and disappeared so fast. I had a very bad fright that I quickly ran out of the toilet. So scary. Someone must have traveled through this hotel and died along the way.

A weekend in Bangkok can be exhausting, but it is so fun and enjoying we won’t mind going there again. Thai people are resourceful bunch. We witness their drive to struggle. If I tell someone in

Singapore to work in Chatuchak – in such a cramped, dusty and hot environment with such low pay, they would suffer a heart attack. Here in

Bangkok, the Thai people slog from 6 am until midnight every day. Whether it is the hot weather or just the regular rush hour (although here it is not the hour…it is all the time) traffic the city keeps ticking, nothing stops it. Anyway, driving by in a cab looking at the

Central Bangkok is a moment which puts life in perspective. Back in

Singapore, I am counting my blessing in our clean, green and well-structured city. It has been an amazing contrast to experience

Bangkok, a different world alive with an urgency to survive.